The writer in me vs the runner in me

I had to run four miles Saturday morning to meet my weekly goal of 20 miles. I chose a route through my neighborhood and a nearby subdivision. I run the 4.3 mile stretch often – it’s the flattest path I have without driving elsewhere to run.

Since making the goal of 20 miles a week and 500 words a day on January 1, I haven’t missed one week of my miles. Last week, I did most of them on Saturday when I ran my first half marathon in two years.

But the writing though.

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If I had a running prayer

I ran 12 miles yesterday. It was my last long run before I run 13.1 miles around Notre Dame’s campus in two weeks. From now until then, I will taper down my miles – only doing six miles next Saturday, a week out from the race.

Only is a subjective term there. Once upon a time, running six miles was something other people did – specifically, runners. I walked a lot – I’ve always been active, but running came later. In 2014, I started running in the middle of my longer walks, and then I started running a three-mile loop around my neighborhood. From there, five miles. Then seven.

My first half-marathon was April 25, 2015, three months before my 42nd birthday. The sun wasn’t up yet when my husband drove me to the starting line – both of our kids asleep in the back seat of his truck, still in their pajamas. Our six-year-old son woke right before we got to the race and said something about not feeling well. Before I could unbuckle my seat belt and turn around, he had puked all over his blanket.

Using a mostly stale wet wipe to clear the puke from my son’s face, I gave him a few sips from my bottle of orange Gatorade. After wadding up the pukey-blanket, doing my best to avoid getting any vomit on me or the truck’s interior, I turned to my husband and said, “You’re going to have to deal with this after you drop me off – if I’m late for the start of this race, I’m going to freak out.”

My husband got it. He knew I had trained religiously for twelve weeks straight – crossing every run, every distance, with a black X on the training program I kept on our kitchen counter.

He also knew I was already a mess of nerves over the rain that was supposed to happen later that morning. I had gone through three black Hefty bags before we left, trying to cut out perfectly-sized arm holes, and had told him more than once how my water-wicking ankle socks were probably going to be a huge distraction since I had never run in them.

“Then why wear them?” he asked.

“Because it’s going to rain!” I said in the voice I use when I’m not making any sense, but am hell-bent on starting a fight.

My son, on the other hand, was going to be fine – my husband had dealt with much worse. Years before, I left for a weekend to walk a Saturday-Sunday race with a friend in North Carolina which included a full-marathon on Saturday followed by a half on Sunday. Within hours after I pulled out of our driveway, our daughter broke her arm. My husband assured me it was not a big deal, “Don’t turn around – she’ll have a cast and you’ll be back Sunday night.”

I was pulling into the parking garage of my hotel in Charlotte when my husband called to tell me the doctors had determined our daughter would need pins in her arm. A little puke in the backseat was nothing compared to an overnight hospital stay and neon pink cast.

By  the time I finished my half-marathon that wet April day, my son was feeling better and my mess of nerves had turned into pure elation.

Since that day, I haven’t found a whole lot that creates the same sense of accomplishment I feel after finishing a particularly long run. Even a five mile jog in the middle of the week leaves me in disbelief that I can run that far without stopping. Yesterday, I was all smiles as I turned down the final block to my car – knowing I had just cross the 12-mile mark on the route I had mapped out the night before.

I still get nervous at the start of nearly every run, thinking to myself, “God, I hope I can do this” – as if it’s the first time I have ever tried to run.

I imagine my coming around to running is a lot like what finding Jesus is like. I want to tell everybody about it – how far I ran, when I wanted to stop, how I kept going – the times I fell, how my legs ache after, the bursitis I get in my right hip when I run eight or more miles, my favorite podcasts to listen to on long runs, the Hoka shoes I’ve fallen passionately in love with.

When I pass runners while I’m driving, I give them a wave no matter if I know them or not. Yesterday, on my drive down to New Albany for my big run, I saw two runners near my house – both dads from my neighborhood. There was more than a sliver of me that wanted to stop the car and shout to them that I was on my way to run as well.

“Me too! Me too!” the devout runner in me wanted to yell at them.

When I’m running and pass other runners on the road, I feel an immediate since of camaraderie – not unlike when I would go to Mass with my grandma as a child and would turn to say “Peace be with you” to anyone sitting in the pews in front and behind us.

Maybe running is my religion. Since starting I’ve dipped in and out of it, but always come back. I struggle with the idea that I’m not as good at it as I should be – I’m too slow, I don’t have the right form. Like prayer, I don’t like doing it with others. (Even with running, I’m an only-child at heart.) And often during my run, I have to talk myself into continuing – willing myself forward one meditative thought at a time.

If I had a running prayer, it would sound like this: “Where are you, in your body, right now? What hurts? Can you catch your breath? Focus on why you want to stop and run through it.”

I’ve said these words to myself on many runs – often multiple times during a run, but this is the first I’ve written them down. It only occurs to me now – seeing them on the screen – that they are more than just a running prayer, they are a mantra.

Where am I?

What hurts?

Can I catch my breath?

Focus on why you want to stop.

Now, run through it.

Some runs are tougher than others

Last Saturday I ran 9.2 miles. I did a mile more than the training program I’m following for a half-marathon I’m running April 1.

The run felt good, both during and after – even when I fell halfway into it, hitting the pavement first with my palms, and then rolling onto my back to keep my face a safe distance from the busted concrete of the sidewalk.

A woman across the street pushing a stroller stopped to check on me. “You okay, honey?” she yelled.

I gave her the thumbs up and hollered back that I was fine, but my pride was a little sore. Within seconds, I was back at it only to pass another runner coming toward me with his hand held out. Having watched my tuck-and-roll, he gave me a high-five and knowing nod.

I ran the rest of the route without incident, and only wanted to stop during the last push – a mile-long, uphill stretch. But I didn’t stop. I pushed it even harder at the top of the hill with two-blocks to go.

It was exhilarating.

Today was a different story.

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Running while female & other subversive acts

karen-switzer

This famous image captured the moment Kathrine Switzer was attacked by Boston Marathon organizers in 1967 when they found out a woman was running the race.

During the 26.2 miles, she was physically attacked, and then, if that wasn’t enough to break her stride or focus, her boyfriend broke up with her…during the race. He’s the one on the right, in the dark shorts with meaty legs turning to look at what’s unfolding behind him.

Kathrine’s boyfriend punched one of the guys trying to stop her – then got mad at Kathrine because he feared he had just jeopardized his Olympic aspirations after hitting one of the race organizers.

No matter. Kathrine kept running. She ran all 26.2 miles.

Kathrine’s historic marathon finish happened six years and three months before I was born. There are many, many women running today who were alive when Katherine was being held back by men grabbing her sweatshirt, yelling at her to, “STOP RUNNING!” because they didn’t want a woman running alongside them.

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What can happen in a month? 103 miles & 20,563 words

january

Yesterday marked the first month of my 2017 goal – 31 days of writing 500 words a day and running 20 miles a week. I ended up running a total of 103.7 miles  and writing 20,563 words.

I’m not gonna lie – that calendar brings me a deeply satisfying, closing-in-on-smug, sense of accomplishment.

My running routine is steady. I never expected it to be a struggle. I’ve been walking or running three to five miles nearly every day for more than three years now. It’s my lithium.

But finding making time to write 500 words has not come as easy. I get it done, but it’s usually the last thing I do for the day. It’s 8:36 p.m. and I’m just now sitting down to write. Even here, as I type past 20.5K words so far this year,  I’m struggling to come up with anything worth posting. I keep checking the word count to see how many more words I have to write before I reach 500.

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This is not going to be easy for me

Yesterday, it was clear most of the day, but as I drove home from the coffee shop where I had been working, the storm clouds began to collect above my zip code. I knew it was supposed to rain later in the evening, but I was hoping I could squeeze in three miles while it was still dry. I tried to beat the rain, changing into my running clothes as soon as I walked into the door, but I wasn’t fast enough. During my final check of work email, I could see raindrops hitting our deck railing outside the kitchen window.

As far as my goal of 20 miles a week, I only needed five more miles and had three days to finish them. Still, I zipped up my yellow (mostly) water-resistant wind breaker and opted to run without music. Knowing my feet would get wet, I switched out my regular running shoes for my back-up pair.

Three miles, I thought to myself when I trotted out of my driveway, three miles in the rain is still just three miles.

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It was a dark and story night

[DAY LATER EDIT NOTES – I meant for the title of this post to read “It was a dark and stormy night.” After writing, and revising, and editing and revising a bit more, I shared the post on Facebook last night. I didn’t realize the typo in the title until this morning when I saw it in my social feed…I’m keeping it, because it kinda works.]

I ran in the rain tonight. At least, I started running in the rain. A half mile into my run, the rain turned mostly into a mist, but it was still wet and cold and the wind was blowing, and by the end of my 4.2 miles, it was dark.

It was a hard run. At the half-way mark, I was miserable. My inner dialogue was a nonstop calculation of how far I had to go. “This cul-de-sac, and then the big hill, and then the back of the neighborhood.”

I only had two miles to go, but in my head it felt like I was never going to finish. A gust of wind smacked me across the cheek and my iPod started playing the opening chords to a slow Coldplay song – which was both perfect and dispiriting. I stopped running and started walking.

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